I always find it's
hard to differentiate between a "mood struck" moment, with a mood
swing, or even to an episode (of depression). And personally I don’t know
whether all those terms can be used interchangeably. Besides that, I'm not sure
whether I'm really have these depression episodes because I haven't met anyone
professionally to evaluate my conditions. But my friends said that, I, indeed
have been depressed, based on what I told them.
I'm not so sure when
was the first time I had my episode, or started to develop the symptoms (I
wonder if I this term can be appropriately used for my case). I just know that
I always have those kind of depressive thoughts since I was a kid. To be honest,
I already had my suicidal (or almost) thought since I was young. Those "I
wonder how does it feels to cut yourself".. "How does it feels to
have blood oozing out of your slashed skin". Creepy? I had never thought
it was before because I thought it's very normal to think and visualize things
like that, since I was quite a curious kid (still), I'd say. It never bothered me to ask other people
about this, as I mentioned before, I thought it was normal; and I was normal
too. I am. Quite an average to be precise. LOL.
I realized that my
mind was quite 'sensitive' when I started to work. Long break/off days (with
nothing to do/activity) seemed to be a bit scary to my mind. I started to think
too much on unnecessary issues or questions. I tried to process all those issues
internally. That was one of the reasons I tend to come to my office during
weekends. It's not that I really had lots of work to finish in short period of
time, but it's just that I wanted to occupy myself with something so that I could distract myself from thinking weird
scenarios.
At one time, I was
ok, emotionally - had conversations just like what I always had with my mom,
laughed and did everything normally. But then, without any apparent reason, I
snapped and turned to be so reclusive, suddenly cried and had those blank
stares. I shut people off, not replied to any of messages from my closest
friends and had depressive thoughts. I didn’t know what exactly caused
that. Oh… for this kind of situations, I
described it to my friends as mood swings or episodes. It was different when I
had my "mood struck" moment. (Now I think I'm so weird..hahahaha).
Whenever I had that,
as I described as, a "mood struck" moment, I was usually triggered by
something, and started to be overflowed by ideas for my writings..my poems,
rhymes. The triggers, would as silly as watching at pouring rain, listening to
music or even when I was watching a movie. The funny thing was, a fun upbeat
song could trigger/gave me the inspiration to write a very depressive poem.
LOL. My poems..rhymes..that's another thing. I just don’t know why I find it's
very hard to come out with a nice, fun and lovely one. It has always been a
dark one. *Sigh*
Thank god that I
haven't had those episodes for more than a day. It has been always short.
I guess I have
already written a quite long entry this time. It's never be my intention to
write this long, though. It's just that I try to write/blog again because my
friend said that it may help me to occupy myself on something. To pour
everything out instead of keeping it up to myself. I think it's a good one
because I'm not that verbally expressive, in terms of my feelings. Not even to
my mom or my friends.
So, please excuse me
on the writing styles and contents as I've always not a good writer too. More a
thinker, maybe. An over-thinker. So that's it. Until next time! Thank you for
coming and reading.
*Please feel free to
drop a comment on my anything or to write about anything. Appreciate for any
suggestion too. *
