Episodes

I always find it's hard to differentiate between a "mood struck" moment, with a mood swing, or even to an episode (of depression). And personally I don’t know whether all those terms can be used interchangeably. Besides that, I'm not sure whether I'm really have these depression episodes because I haven't met anyone professionally to evaluate my conditions. But my friends said that, I, indeed have been depressed, based on what I told them.

I'm not so sure when was the first time I had my episode, or started to develop the symptoms (I wonder if I this term can be appropriately used for my case). I just know that I always have those kind of depressive thoughts since I was a kid. To be honest, I already had my suicidal (or almost) thought since I was young. Those "I wonder how does it feels to cut yourself".. "How does it feels to have blood oozing out of your slashed skin". Creepy? I had never thought it was before because I thought it's very normal to think and visualize things like that, since I was quite a curious kid (still), I'd say.  It never bothered me to ask other people about this, as I mentioned before, I thought it was normal; and I was normal too. I am. Quite an average to be precise. LOL.

I realized that my mind was quite 'sensitive' when I started to work. Long break/off days (with nothing to do/activity) seemed to be a bit scary to my mind. I started to think too much on unnecessary issues or questions. I tried to process all those issues internally. That was one of the reasons I tend to come to my office during weekends. It's not that I really had lots of work to finish in short period of time, but it's just that I wanted to occupy myself with something so that I  could distract myself from thinking weird scenarios.

At one time, I was ok, emotionally - had conversations just like what I always had with my mom, laughed and did everything normally. But then, without any apparent reason, I snapped and turned to be so reclusive, suddenly cried and had those blank stares. I shut people off, not replied to any of messages from my closest friends and had depressive thoughts. I didn’t know what exactly caused that.  Oh… for this kind of situations, I described it to my friends as mood swings or episodes. It was different when I had my "mood struck" moment. (Now I think I'm so weird..hahahaha).

Whenever I had that, as I described as, a "mood struck" moment, I was usually triggered by something, and started to be overflowed by ideas for my writings..my poems, rhymes. The triggers, would as silly as watching at pouring rain, listening to music or even when I was watching a movie. The funny thing was, a fun upbeat song could trigger/gave me the inspiration to write a very depressive poem. LOL. My poems..rhymes..that's another thing. I just don’t know why I find it's very hard to come out with a nice, fun and lovely one. It has always been a dark one. *Sigh*

Thank god that I haven't had those episodes for more than a day. It has been always short.

I guess I have already written a quite long entry this time. It's never be my intention to write this long, though. It's just that I try to write/blog again because my friend said that it may help me to occupy myself on something. To pour everything out instead of keeping it up to myself. I think it's a good one because I'm not that verbally expressive, in terms of my feelings. Not even to my mom or my friends.

So, please excuse me on the writing styles and contents as I've always not a good writer too. More a thinker, maybe. An over-thinker. So that's it. Until next time! Thank you for coming and reading.

*Please feel free to drop a comment on my anything or to write about anything. Appreciate for any suggestion too. *

Long Hiatus

   It's been ages since my last (one and only) post, which was on March 2013. More than 2years. It was only for quite recently that I decided to start writing again but ironically couldn't quite decide on the theme/direction for the content of my future posts.

*Now the pathetic babbling starts* ~sigh~

   I'd say that writing was my constant struggle during my student years. It's  not that I can't write well, but I do find it is hard to start or to have my first opening sentence for my essay. It's hard even for my academic writing essays and the narrative ones would be my biggest problem. (I'm not that imaginative and really bad at visualising things I read/listen). The introduction was the hardest because I'm the type of person who really wants to make a strong impression through my first few lines. Drama. Hahaha.. I tried for the best opening lines. But once I got them, the rest would follow nicely (usually).

*Okay, suddenly I forgot my lines. Somebody took away my ideas* ~cry~

  

 I think I should stop now. (This is so sudden!!). This is not how I should have for my closing, which I supposed to leave an impression of a good writing. ~sigh~

   

Next time, I'll try to draft my post first and have something more interesting for its content.

Daa...

MyFirstEntry

Assalam..

This is my first post of this particular blog of mine (another 1st post), since I already have a blog before but it has been left 'dying', and 'malnourished' by its own for almost a year. *Sorry*. 

It was a very tough task to come out with a very good post for my prev readers/viewers (if I had one..lol ^^). It was whether too emotional, or very 'i-like-this-so-much-and-i-will-write-whatever-and-i-don't-give-a-fuck-damn-about-what-you-will-say-about-it' post. *Again, sorry*. I'm still learning how to be more objective and more neutral in voicing out or else writing out my thoughts. It is indeed a very hard thing to do as we (maybe not all of you) always tend to view ourselves as 'the right ones' and others as not. (I'm not so sure about the exact term for it. Egocentric?) *I dunno*. Besides that, are we always can, or willing to be open enough to accept other's view opinions (especially a critical and hard-to-accept one) about us or about our words (writing)? As our mind pH indicator strip is most of the time being 'bias', honestly, for me, it's quite hard as the 'block' is there. But it is our job to reduce the 'thickness' of the block by being more and exactly at 7. *Owh my, what I'm trying to say here?* 

Okay, I think I should stop saying about all those sociology things before I really get myself confuse and wrong. 

Ok, back to the topic of giving good post,I think I should focus on posting entries that will benefit my friends. Again, it's hard but I will try my best. But, once awhile, I still can have my very own privilege to write on topic of my interest, rite? ^^ . Maybe I can try to share some information that I gain from my work.  *Finger crossed*

Lastly, I appreciate if you (readers/viewers) could give some opinion on what I will post or else, maybe some suggestions. Plus, I don't mind of having some comments on my writings, especially on my language; grammar, vocabulary or anything, as this blog is one of the medium for me to improve my nearly-rotten English and Bahasa Melayu. Neither I'm good at my English, nor I'm excel at my L1- Bahasa Melayu. My bad. 

I should have my 1st post nice and short, but as you can see, I 'babble' a lot! Last word(s), good night,Wassalam. ^^